Contempt needs care
by Frederica99Bernkastel
Summary: It's amazing how contempt and hatred can fill with care so well.


**I hate everything about you**

Feelings are really strange.

Was it normal for us to feel?

Was it normal for us to feel while we weren't even human anymore?

Was it normal for us to feel while erosions eating our minds, making you falling slowly into insanity and losing the semblance of humanity we had?

I don't like you.

I despise you.

I loathe you.

I hate you.

I wish your death.

However, why do I care for you?

And you too, why do you care for me?

I hate everything about you, Ira.

Why do I love you?

My sister was the only one I cared. That was undeniable. Even this fact itself was extremely painful to admit. But I supposed it was only normal. We shared the same curse after all. We were never apart. We understood each other. For two people who shared the same fate, the least of things to do was taking care of each other. And as I was the oldest, I had this role. And I admitted it completely.

But these others people…These human…dumb, stupid people. They thought they were superior to me by the only existence of their humanity. That's obvious. They were bound together, by more or less friendship, love bonds. They were a team. They loved each other. They took care of each other. They never threatened each other.

And here…I was. I was part in this team. But I didn't love them. I didn't take care of them. And many times I was tempted to threaten them, to wish them to get hurt, to be unhappy or just…Or just…I don't know.

I hated them. Every time I met their looks…I just felt a hint of pity in their eyes. If I was in their team, that's only because my power. They didn't care for me as a person. Because I wasn't human…Because I was just a kind of robot they got as their last cards. I was like their tool. A kid…someone who is just too small and apparently too "stupid" to understand the situation…An immature individual who was too arrogant for them…

_Only when I stop to think about it_

Why? Why were you there, Ira? Or rather Sebastianus. That's your name, isn't it? The name you had before all of us were trapped in that kind of reality…This life where we fought people that we don't even know while our mind was filled with madness or hint of remembrance. That Gula had the best example. He just fought for unknown reason. I didn't even know which one. I wasn't really focused on my mission unlike you, Ira. We weren't so really close, but I knew this trait of yours.

Avaritia looked at me.

"Show to us what you are able to do."

"Leave it to me, Avaritia-sama." That's my own tone who meant my thoughts.

"Don't let your guard down, Acedia." Superbia warned me.

I just shrugged.

"I'm not like Ira."

We weren't close after all. We only talked to each other because of missions. But our interactions weren't better. I thought you never understood what I tried to mean and you found me too arrogant and too intelligent-looking.

I recall the day where we were still humans. Georgius asked us to try having a plan…And when I tried to tell mine to you, you said my words were useless. Then you just let it slide then had just focused his mind on Georgius.

I don't like you.

I despise you.

I loathe you.

I hate you.

I wish your death.

What kind of feelings or even thoughts we had toward each other? A semblance of bond, friendship or fellowship you had toward me?

I'm sure you were like the others, weren't you? You just contempt me…Because I'm not human? Or because of my arrogance…?

You never really cared about me either, were you?

I didn't care for you either.

_Only when I stop to think about it_

Samson and Georgius cared for each other. They were best friends. Elaine cared about you and loved you. Scholastica cared about me and loved me. That's like that everything worked. If I didn't want to be felt apart…If I didn't want to be alone…

However, it seemed Scholastica cared about Misao more. They were always together, and they were friends from the bottom of their hearts. Even if that's painful to admit…They may have a connection a lot tighter than I had with my sister.

It recalled me how much I was alone.

I was really the one who was apart…?

Wasn't that Misao who was apart? Wasn't that Georgius? Wasn't Samson? Wasn't even you, Sebastianus?

Why was I the one who was alone? Why weren't you the one who was alone?

So…When I fought against these Fragments and you were wounded, I lost my sister and I was forced to come back to the Crystal Palace where I met this girl.

Shiori. Ursula…

I was definitely a tool actually…

Index didn't miss me. They already found another person to replace me.

I was definitely a tool actually.

And to conclude, Ursula told me that Johanna wished our sentence to death…So before I could make the Bibliotheca Pan magica spell that I was so proud of…She killed me…Then she erased me out of the live…My existence disappeared.

Then I died…

Death isn't really painful…Once it's done, there are no remorse.

So I just wandered there…My ghost wandered around there…

Or rather the one I was, Benedictus of the Bookshelf. I was just the shadow of myself…And in this hell or new life; I just wandered around these places to search for my sister. Maybe I could meet Samson too…

Maybe I could meet you too.

Then I watched your last battle of life.

You were wounded and you didn't hesitate to fight despite your injuries. You knew very well you would die…So why did you go into battle again?

Then…You said this to the Fragments…I heard this as much as I could be able to hear you now, Ira.

"Our bodies fell down…and my mind only is suffering from erosion of madness…I become insane…In the same way as Gula was!"

Then you said…

"But before this body crumbles and is destroyed, I will avenge Gula and Acedia's deaths!"

Is that true, Ira?

Is that your last wish? Or was it something that gave you a meaning of existence like you always said?

Were you so desperate to not having a meaning of life anymore? So you used me to give you one before you could die?

Or in the other case, did you see me otherwise?

I couldn't hope no more as I'm already dead but I want to know…

Did you see me like a comrade or friend?

Or were you like the others? Did you see me like a tool for their advantages?

I thought my memories would be forgotten as Scholastica died…I thought nobody will ever care about my death or would ever mourn me.

And you said these words

Why did you do that?

I don't like you.

I despise you.

I loathe you.

I hate you.

I wish your death.

However, why do I care for you?

And you too, why do you care for me?

I hate everything about you, Ira.

Why do I love you?

Did you honestly see me like a comrade?

I want to know these words from your mouth Ira. So tell me.

Did you care about me?

Or not?

I faced your ghost appearance and I waited for your answer. Next to us, there were your dead body.

"Yes. I care about you."


End file.
